A practice for when you feel like not enough
It's simple, and it works.
For much of my life I’ve been oriented to the thing that was finally going to change my life: credentials, relationships, jobs, success, location, community, accolades—you name it.
Aside from growing up in an American culture that emphasizes achievement, individualism, and the constant churn of productivity, I also grew up in a home environment where I experienced chronic, ongoing trauma.
As a young person with no agency, stuck in a home and school environment that caused ongoing pain, that was the hope I had to hang onto: that something, somewhere out there would some day come in and redeem my life.
How tender, how innocent, no?
Because my heart and body didn’t have the capacity to be present with the reality of the pain at that time, one way I soothed the pain was by looking to things outside of myself to make me feel better. What was happening internally was too overwhelming.
Our bodies are so brilliant in the ways they protect us.
A huge part of my healing journey has been about untangling the protective story my body has told for so long: that something external will bring me the safety, love, and sense of enoughness that parts of me have been longing for for so long.
I could write for pages about how these hurt parts were in the driver’s seat for most of my life and the ongoing pain and repeated trauma I experienced because of that, but for this email I want to talk about the simple practice that has led to profound change when it comes to feeling like [insert whatever here] is enough.
This practice can be used for whatever is feeling like not enough in your life:
-That you’re not enough and will be rejected
-That you’re not doing enough for the folks in your life
-That you’re not saying the right thing or holding the right boundaries or expressing your needs enough
-That you’re not queer or trans enough
-That there’s no enough time with the folks in your life
-That your lack of relationship experience, discomfort in your body, anxiety, or whatever else means that you won’t ever have or keep close relationships
These stories of not enough likely feel private and specific to your internal experience, but I can almost guarantee that they’re having an impact on the level of intimacy and connection you’re experiencing.
When your behavior is an attempt to earn love, be chosen, or belong—whatever quiets the story of not enough temporarily—the cost is authenticity.
Authenticity is a necessary component for true intimacy and connection: the kind that nourishes and actually feels like enough.
Healing is about reminding our bodies that they don’t need to protect us in the ways they used to.
This isn’t a cognitive exercise. How often have you tried to shift a “limiting belief,” only to find it showing up over and over again?
I’m even willing to bet that this idea or theme of your “not enough” story isn’t new to you. You’ve likely identified it with your therapist. You’ve maybe named it to some of your friends, written about it in your journal, cast spells to call in everything you deserve.
But somehow, always, the not enough story pays you another visit.
One of the things I love about somatic work is its emphasis on both/and.
The body is the perfect model of the both/and concept: nothing is all one thing.
For example, I can feel a tightness in my chest, and my leg can be having a totally different experience. But they are both parts of me. In fact, the part that has more capacity (i.e., less constriction) can even support the part that is feeling more constricted.
That means that even when there is some constellation of sensations in your body that represents your not enough story, there is some other part—or parts—that aren’t bought into that story.
Even if it’s your pinky toe. Even if it’s one of your ear lobes.
Expanding your capacity to be with both stories—separately and also simultaneously—is how things begin shifting in the body.
What does this actually look like in practice?
Bring to mind a current scenario in your life where you feel not enough.
Locate how the not enough feelings manifest in your body through sensation. Be present with those as you’re able.
Now, see if you can find another part of your body that is not experiencing the story of not being enough. You can identify this part by noticing a part that feels soft, open, or even neutral.
Be present with both realities: the parts that feel not enough and those that do.
You can also try alternating between feeling into each of the parts. Feel the not enough parts for 3-5 seconds and then shift your attention to the enough parts, back and forth. Just notice what happens.
This might sound hokey or too simplistic, but it works. S l o w l y.
Because slowly is the speed of the body. Trauma is urgent; the body is not.
I’ve used the above practice (or some version of it) to:
-Work with my feelings of financial scarcity
-Find more joy and groundedness in Minneapolis
-Feel a greater connection to God
-Find nourishing community
-Feel safe in the current world
And I’ve used it to transmute my own stories of not enough.
When you work with the body it calls you into the present moment.
Much of our suffering comes from being primarily oriented to the past or to the future.
Enoughness is here, right now.
I want to leave you with a quote from a book I’m reading as part of this ridiculously sweet book club I belong to. The book is called The Understory: An Invitation to Rootedness and Resilience from the Forest Floor by Lore Ferguson Wilbert. I’ve started reading this quote every morning as part of my prayer practice:
“Flourishing is being magnificently oneself… …the work of my life was not to gloriously produce or extraordinarily perform but to simply be who and what I am, even if it is hidden to all the world for a time, or even forever.”
When I move from this knowing, I can recognize how much of the world is flourishing around me: the unbelievably lush summer plants and flowers this year, the sounds the ducklings make as they feed on the flooded shores of the lakes, the co-worker who took it upon herself to make sure I had a birthday celebration a month after my actual birthday.
Such utter abundance.
May you flourish.
May you simply be who and what you are.
May you know that you’re already enough.
If you want support around learning how to finally feel like enough, I’m currently taking 1:1 coaching clients. Book a free, 30-minute Connection Call with me, and let’s discuss how I might best support you.
From this present moment,
Grey
P.S. Did you catch this short reel this week on my social media that explained how the feeling of “not enough” functions as a compulsion in the body?
In case you missed these recent conversations:
Why awareness isn’t enough (to keep you from repeating the same relational patterns); Stop wondering how it happened AGAIN.
How to Know if Someone’s Worthy of Your Vulnerability: This should be your major indicator.
How to Belong: If the basic ingredients are simple, why is there still so much loneliness?