How to Know if Someone’s Worthy of Your Vulnerability
This should be your major indicator.
It’s very common for Heartbroken Queers to focus on having a shared identity with someone rather than discerning whether or not the person or space can actually receive their vulnerability with the care it needs and deserves.
Although finding community around your queer or trans (QT) identity can be a vital part of your healing and sense of belonging, a shared identity is not synonymous with the ingredients that actually lead to healthy, nourishing, and connected relationships: emotional maturity and emotional safety.
If you’re going into QT relationships and spaces assuming that the person or space can receive your vulnerability with the care it deserves based on identity alone, you’re going to have a hard time identifying whether or not it’s a relationship that can receive you in ways that feel supportive, nourishing, and safe.
Or worse, when you continue to bring your heart and vulnerability to relationships and spaces that have already demonstrated that they can’t receive you, your heart continues to break. It adds hurt onto hurt that’s already there, making it impossible to heal.
Why? Our hearts break each time we’re in an environment where our body is expecting safety, belonging, and care and those needs aren’t met.
When we haven’t addressed our underlying hurt, we’ll continue to choose relationships and environments that feel familiar.
Think about it: food is also life-giving and nourishing. But I’m guessing you make food choices based on what you know is best for your specific diet, allergies, health goals, etc.
You don’t go into a grocery store and choose any food just because it’s food.
Maybe you had to learn what food causes inflammation for you and what food doesn’t. Or you were once vegetarian and now you’re back to eating meat. Or, through the process of an elimination diet you know that dairy isn’t your jam.
Maybe there’ve also been times in your life when you’ve eaten whatever is in front of you because you were starving and literally just needed food. We all know that going grocery shopping while hungry is a risky endeavor… when we’re starving, it’s easy to say yes to anything that resembles food.
And the same is true for creating healthy, nourishing relationships: when we’re starving for authentic connection, reciprocity, empathy, care, and security, it’s easy to say yes to anything that resembles those things.
The beautiful thing is that when you begin to heal your hurt parts, learn relational skills, and put those skills into embodied practice, you end up with relationships where you feel safe and secure. No imitations.
In my How To Belong™ framework, I teach all three of the above components: self-devotion, somatic awareness, and relational skills.
In today’s email I’m going to share the major indicator I use to assess whether or not someone has the capacity to receive my vulnerability.
You can use this indicator right now to assess any of your current (or past relationships), or as you’re forming new ones (online dating, anyone?).
By using this indicator, you’ll be able to set boundaries around how much and with whom you share your vulnerability.
Your vulnerability is sacred and a gift and should be treated as such.
As with most things—especially when it comes to relationships—there is nuance here, like type and length of relationship, power differentials, etc., so apply this to your situation wisely.
Here it is: when you’re vulnerable with someone, how do they respond?
Do they acknowledge and thank you for what you shared, even if it might be challenging for them to hear? Do they respond with warmth, care, and tenderness? Do they ask follow up questions or bring curiosity?
OR
Do they make what you shared about them? Do they become defensive? Do they minimize, criticize, or invalidate what you shared?
If the first words out of their mouth are something about their own experience, that’s important information (unless it’s something lovely like, “I hear you and need a minute to sit with what you’ve told me.”).
I know it seems really obvious, but if you grew up with emotionally immature caregivers or neglect, your body literally has no memory of what it feels like to be received with care.
When, as an adult, other adults respond to you in the above way, it doesn’t even register that it’s an issue. Rather, the receipts are a long history of emotional needs going unmet and relationships rife with a lack of safety and security.
This summer I’m beginning a monthly series of workshops and community calls based on the components of my How To Belong™ framework.
One session will be didactic in nature where I’ll cover topics like I did in today’s email. The second call of the month will be an integration call: a place to process what’s been coming up for folks as they’ve been applying what they learned in the first call, a place for Q&A, and a place to connect with other folks who are doing this similar (and often isolating) work of healing and moving towards greater wholeness.
More specifics coming soon. I’m looking to start in July or August.
What I’d love to know from you: what topics would you like to see covered in those workshops? On your journey of creating healthier relationships, where do you get hung up the most? What pattern can you just *not* seem to move past? What’s the most irritating, cringe, or difficult part about it?
You can just reply to this email and let me know.
Upcoming events:
May 31, 12:30-1:30pm CDT via Zoom - Workshop: Beyond Survival and Our Wounding: Creating Nourishing Community. I'm presenting an hour-long workshop as part of the Do Something: Identity(ies) Conference 2024—a pioneering conference that serves as a crucial platform for professionals, community members and allies seeking to enhance their understanding of trans and non-binary experiences to provide more affirming care.
All presenters are trans, non binary, and/or many more non cis identities (just imagine the brilliance!). For more information on the conference, check out the website.
Here's a coupon code for 25% off of registration: FAndF25
Also, the organizers of the conference are very committed to making the conference accessible, so if cost is truly a barrier, reach out to them. As far as I understand, there'll be no questions asked.
I’d love to see you on my Zoom screen.
I hope you’re taking good care of your heart,
Grey
P.S. If you’re ready to start creating healthy and nourishing relationships now and want a deeper, more focused experience, book a free, 30-minute connection call with me to learn more about working with me 1x1.